Help! My Work Friend Got Promotedand Im Jealous

Help My Work Friend Got Promotedand Im JealousHelp My Work Friend Got Promoted- and Im JealousDear Fran,Im 31 years old and have been working in the engineering and project management industry for a little over 10 years, five at my current company. A good friend of mine started working at my company about two years ago but in the business development sector. Its been great to have herbeibei here because we can grab lunch or a quick chat anytime.Heres the issue- Ive had the same standort for my entire time at this company and after only a couple of years, she recently got a huge promotion. Window office, director title, six-figure salary, the whole bit. I know I should be happy for her, but I cant help but feel extremely jealous of her situation. Shes making more than I am by a good $30K and at her age, she is bound to keep on rising up the ranks.I guess I also worry about our friendship. How are we going to keep up break time chats and water-cooler talk when shes in a whole different hierarchy? How can I handle this whole thing more gracefully?Thanks,Dont want to be enviousDear EnviousAh, envy that little green monster that often seems to cause so much pain. It can rear its ugly head at friends, colleagues, celebrities, bosses, family members, and perfect strangers (in no particular order). It can glom on to someone elses courage, clarity of vision, emotional serenity, compassion, persistence, intelligence, quick wit, or success.Let me give you a personal example. As a writer, my most powerful envy comes when Im in the middle of a book and I suddenly find myself so profoundly moved or deeply amused by the words on the page that I have to stop and take a breath to contemplate (and envy) the authors skill. Here are a couple of random examples that stopped me this way Emma Donoghues Room Shira Naymans Awake in the Dark Patrick Suskinds Perfume Jeffrey Eugenides Middlesex and Cynthia Kaplans book of personal essays, Why Im Like This.Now I want you to notice that, o f the books that have stirred my green monster, some are bestsellers, some only sold a few thousand copies some were recently published, some years ago some were lauded by critics, some not so much. The truth is that while I might occasionally envy someones success, what I envy most powerfully is what I most value, certain qualities of character, and what I aspire to as a writer.So first, I want you to be clear about what it is that youre envying. Is it your friends success? The fact that she got chosen for a promotion and you didnt? That she got a lucky break and you didnt? The six-figure salary? Or does your envy stem from your fear shes more skilled at her job than you are at yours?I ask you these questions because I think it will help you to separate that which is mostly beyond your control and concentrate on that which is primarily in your control. Life is certainly not fair and your friends success may well be due to sheer good luck, which is painfully beyond your control.What is in your control, and what you can concentrate on, is how to be the best you can be at your job. Identify things that would make you promotable and work on those skills. Separate what is going on with your friends promotion from the realities of your position and the likelihood of moving up. If you truly feel that a promotion is due, pursue it with your manager.Another worthwhile consideration is whether you actually enjoy and are stimulated by your current position. If youre bored, or find yourself eyeing your friends (or another) field that seems more interesting or presents more opportunities for advancement, take some steps in that direction. Maybe her job change will prove to be a catalyst for you to make some changes for yourself. You dont necessarily need to wait around for management to give you a bump up the ladder maybe its time for you to pursue a new industry or a new company that will provide the opportunities that you are seeking.Next, you call this woman a good fri end, but I wonder if shes a real friend. Is she someone you can actually talk to, or is your relationship merely centered around the water cooler chat? Are you worried about her throwing her new position in the hierarchy around because she already has? If so, then Id stop thinking of her as your good friend and try to gracefully back away while continuing with the superficial water cooler chat.My standards for a good friendship, however, are a little different. I root for my friends to reach their goals, I applaud their achievements, and I expect them to do the same for me. A quality friendship is based on whether I can talk to and confide in my friends, and whether they they can talk to and confide in me. I feel that friends are real friends because they share honest feelings with each other, and can allow themselves to be or appear vulnerable.If this were me, and I thought she was my good friend, Id find a time when she and I werent at work, and share some of my feelings surroundi ng her promotion. I might casually say that Id been hoping for a promotion, too, or even confess how envious I am I might ask her how or why she thinks she got the promotion, and maybe even ask her for some suggestions. And then Id watch very carefully to see how she handled the situation. This is a tricky time for your friendship. If shes really your friend, shell offer her support and hear out your disappointments in a loving way. If a candid conversation like that didnt go smoothly, Id seriously think about how close of a friend she really is.I wish you the best of luck in your career and your friendship, and Im glad you wrote in and asked.FranRead More From FranHow to Calm and Be ClearHave a question for Fran? Email questionsthemuse.comPhoto of women working courtesy of Shutterstock.